#22: Puppies vs. Zombies
Shoot. Something awful just happened.
To be fair, lots of fantastic stuff has happened lately, and I’ll get to those in a bit… but right now, as I type these words, much of the fun, happy stuff is temporarily overshadowed by a massive, putrid, towering pile of explosive, runny cyberpoop that makes me want to hurl my laptop out of the nearest window, grab a pile of my kids’ cutest stuffed animals, thrust my face into them and scream my rage into their plushy, giving softness. And then maybe snap a few fluffy bites out of them in the process.
You see, over the past few days, I wrote up my whole monthly newsletter, chock-full with all my regular silly observations, inane jokes, and vapid personal insights. I put in quite a bit of time, even though I have about as much free time right now as I have visible abdominal muscles… But I woke up this morning to find that the entirety of my newsletter draft was gone. Vanished into the void. Flushed down the digital crapper. And now here I am, less than a day before my newsletter is scheduled to go, and I’m out of juice, out of time, and so sleep-deprived I can barely remember what I wrote in the first place. (I’m pretty sure my name was in there, but beyond that… it’s all mental sludge.)
This. Really. Sucks.
But I’m not going to go very far complaining and raging against the machine. I know this from experience, being the person who usually spends hours on the phone with outsourced overseas telephone customer service reps whenever something needs following up. Insurance companies, mobile phone providers, credit card issuers, you name it. I’ve bitten off more than a few fingernails on those frustratingly long, unproductive telephone exchanges, smothering my seething annoyance in buckets of toxic brain cortisol. So instead of punching the couch again, I’ll breathe, focus on the positives, power through, and try to keep this brief as I give you the broad strokes of what's going on right now.
So here’s the deal. The ultimate silver lining to erase most of my current crappy techno-woes.
I have a puppy!
I'm SO excited. Farley, our nine week old Sheepadoodle, finally came home about a week ago. And he’s simply the best! He’s adorable, confident, loving, playful, curious, and so, so fluffy. I can't stop staring at him :) And even though I’m still spending the night sleeping by his crate on an inflatable camping mattress to help him get used to his new home, and I’m so tired I can’t do basic math, can't remember how to tie my own shoelaces, and may even have to start wearing adult diapers just to make things easier on myself, I’m ecstatic to have this ferociously floofy furball living in my home. If you read the afterword of Dog of the Dead, you know how big of a deal it is for me to finally be getting a dog again after so many years.
Farley is such a smart puppy too. Within a day or two of being here, he’d already learned the basics of sit, stay, leave it, lie down, go potty, fetch, and quiet, all on command. Which I think is pretty impressive. I mean, both of my human children still have trouble mastering those specific instructions. Sure, they don't poop in the yard (to my knowledge), but getting either of them to sit still for more than four minutes without electronic stimulation is considered a win in my house.
Although Farley will never be as big and fierce as Quigley, the heroic, zombie-slaying canine headlining my last book Dog of the Dead, I do think my new pup might prove himself useful if the dead ever rise to face off against the living. Given how effective Farley is at making away with stray footwear (especially if said footwear is on the stinkier side of things), I can probably train him pretty quickly to dart in and snach a zombie's shoe on command, taking the creature down long enough that I can impale it through the brain using a stale bread baguette or a doggie bully stick (which, by the way, is a dehydrated bull shlong - something I only just learned about after buying a six-pack of those long, mummified ding-dongs for my pup to gnaw on, which makes me extra nervous about his affinity for prolonged crotch sniffing...).
Anyway... I hope that if there ever IS a zombie apocalypse, my new companion can at the very least stay as cool and unbothered as the four-legged hounds featured in the video below:
Do you have a pet? If so, would they be useful in a zombie apocalypse?
NEXT UP IN MY BIG AUGUST NEWS BLAST: the satirical non-fiction book my friend Ken Fosse and I have been working on for over three years is FINALLY LIVE!
Zillionaire - Zombie Apocalypse Survival for the Rich & Famous launched 48 hours ago! This book is the culmination of an extremely long, meticulous, passionate process involving many talented individuals. We’re beyond thrilled with the end result! I got to peruse the paperback proof copy the other day, and it’s an absolutely gorgeous book. It’s big, thick, chock-full of zaniness, and filled with awesomely hilarious cartoons and illustrations, most of which were done by the legendary Rob Sacchetto. I’m so proud of how it turned out. I feel like it makes for a hilarious conversation piece, and will look great on the bookshelf of any zombie fan out there. Check it out… I really think you’ll love it!
THE PERFECT GIFT FOR ZOMBIE FANS WITH A TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOR!
"With ZILLIONAIRE, Nic Roads and Ken Fosse bring biting humor, social satire, and awesome insights to the zombie genre! Two decaying thumbs up!" - Jonathan Maberry, NY Times bestselling author of Rot & Ruin and Patient Zero
"Hilarious and horrifying. I wish I was rich enough for this advice to apply to me."- James Breakwell, author of Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
LEARN HOW TO:
Strategically spend your billions to profit and thrive during the zombie apocalypse
Prepare your staff (and family) for Armageddon
Fortify your mansion, yacht, bunker, or private island against the undead
Find a well-bred mate in the wasteland
Turn yourself into a scary post-apocalyptic warlord to rule over other survivors
And so much more!
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it CAN save you from zombies!
It’s just a matter of time until the dead rise to start munching on the living. When that happens… It's pretty much game over for humanity.
But not everybody has to be devoured by zombies! If you’re part of the 1% now, don’t you want to stay at the top when everybody else turns into stinky, moaning, cannibal corpses?
Zillionaire is THE essential survival guide for the super-rich, passably rich, or wannabe rich who hope to ride out the inevitable zombie apocalypse in post-apocalyptic luxury. Read it now… before it’s too late!
AVAILABLE WORLDWIDE FROM AMAZON AND BARNES & NOBLE
FREE ON KINDLE UNLIMITED!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST, the audiobook for Dog of the Dead is... well, it's going to be available any day now! I actually thought I'd be giving you the link in this newsletter, but it's still sitting in Audible's mandatory audio review process, which takes anywhere between five days and two weeks after final upload. So it might become available an hour after you get this email, or maybe a week later. As soon as it's out, I'll send you a quick email to let you know. My narrator did an insanely great job bringing Quigley to life!
ZOMBIES ON TV
Have you checked out the new Resident Evil live action series on Netflix yet? I’m four episodes in, and really enjoying it so far. If you’re familiar with the franchise, either the MIlla Jovovitch movies or the awesome video games, you know what you’re getting into here. Lots of zombies, mutated monsters, and kick-ass post-apocalyptic battles. But there’s a smart story here also, as the series alternates between two timelines; present day, where two teenage sisters uncover the dark secrets at play at the Umbrella Corporation, and many years in the dystopian future, where the world has been overrun by the twisted, nightmarish creatures unleashed by negligent scientists. It’s a lot of fun. If you’ve watched it, let me know what you think! You can watch the trailer here:
DISCOVER ANOTHER ZOMBIE AUTHOR:
Mo Collins is a reluctant hero, trapped at the end of the world on board his replica pirate ship, surrounded by hordes of blue naked zombies. What else could go wrong? On his ship, the Viva Ancora he has traveled along the rivers and lakes of America for the past few years. But now he finds himself only miles from his childhood home, and the world has gone to hell. These zombies have flooded the now dead Alabama lake town where he is docked. Mo and his only surviving shipmate, Crow, are doing one thing, surviving. They fish and watch the monsters roam the night; seeking untainted flesh and leaving a disgusting mess in their wake. However, when "out of the blue" a lone survivor stumbles upon Mo and Crow, they gain a new crew member but also find much-needed direction. The newcomer, Smokes, will change Mo’s view of this zombie-infested world forever.
As reality mimics fiction, an ever-growing cast of crazy characters plays out their role carving out an island sanctuary in a plague-ridden world. The Expert, The Tech, The Oracle, The Sacrifice, The Old Friend, plus many more ….. Join us on this wild ride where the fish bite, the Zombies bite…and sometimes life bites.
Welcome aboard, friend, to Zombie Lake.
APOCALYPTIC, DYSTOPIAN AND HORROR BOOK PROMOS
That’s it for me! I have to go and play with my puppy now. Hope you have a rockin’ August, and I hope that you manage to stay cool in all this heat!
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